May 6, 2022

When I was in college, I took a literature class where the two main characters ended up in a romantic relationship by the end of the book. The professor was pinpointing the moment in the story where we knew that the relationship went from friends to lovers: when one character saved the life of the other. This happened decently early in the novel when, in my opinion, there was little reason to assume it was motivated by romantic love. When I voiced this opinion, the professor shot down my argument saying that people who are “just friends” wouldn’t save each other from certain death. Such displays of love were reserved for romantic partnerships.

…To my friends out there, please rest assured that I will in fact save your life without expecting you to then marry me afterward.

As many of you know, I am on the Power of Friendship Train with absolutely no desire to get off. I love friendship, I love platonic relationships, and I especially love to see them in fiction. But this issue that I took with my professor’s position in college, and that I take with a lot of fictional relationships now, isn’t about me wanting my personal taste in stories. It’s about me wanting a better world for all of us as human beings where platonic representation is abundant and valued just as much as romantic representation.

Fiction is steeped in relationships, but the last time friendship takes center stage is usually in middle grade level stories. After that, once we get into young adult and adult, romantic relationships take over almost exclusively. While this makes sense for life stages (ten year olds aren’t really dating, whereas teens and adults are) it acts almost as if all friendships go away once we’re introduced to romantic relationships, or as if friendships are mere placeholders, the relationships we have as we wait for romance. I have heard numerous stories from writers who were told they could never sell their book or story because there was no romance in it, or accused of baiting readers with unfulfilled romance because obviously those two characters should have ended up together. And I can’t even tell you how many fanfic shippings I’ve read!

I love a good ship, and I love romantic love, but not more so or to the exclusion of platonic love.

Platonic relationships need to be represented in fiction as main plots. Readers need to be equipped to cherish and value friendships. If not, if platonic love is continually excluded in our fiction, it will only lead to exclusion in our reality as well.

Let’s go back to what my professor said about those two characters: they had to be romantically involved at the time of the incident because otherwise the one would have no motivation to save the life of the other. I don’t believe the professor thought that only those in romantic relationships deserved saving, or that someone who was not dating someone else couldn’t save them. Rather, the idea that someone should, could, and would want to go to great lengths for someone they are not romantically involved with was just so abnormal, so weird, so unknown, that it couldn’t possibly be the answer. There was no precedent for her to make the connection of friends saving each other, but there was plenty of precedent for lovers doing so. It was then quite natural for her to assume romantic love between these characters.

But saving lives isn’t inherently romantic. Loving someone isn’t inherently romantic. Caring for someone, wanting to spend the rest of your life with them, being willing to do anything to keep them safe and happy—none of that is inherently romantic. But how often do you see that kind of platonic love represented in stories?

Oh, we love a good Band of Brothers story. It’s quite all right for exceptional circumstances like war to lead to deep friendships. But what about in everyday life? What about between people of the same sexual orientation/attraction? What if there’s only one bed!

It seems crazy to imagine these scenarios playing out as platonic because they just don’t do so that often in fiction. But is this the kind of world we want for our reality? People only caring about others if they have potential for or already fulfilled romantic love with each other? How much care is too much care that it becomes romantic? If I show care for my friend, am I leading them on? Violating the boundaries of friendship? Is my care my own secret yearnings for romance? How many people, right now, are in a romantic relationship that really should be platonic just because they thought this was the only way to show deep love for someone else?

Keep the romance as a motivator and a foundation for character relationships. Show lovers caring for one another. But also show friends caring deeply for one another in everyday life and in crazy world shaking events. Show them showing love in big and small ways. Show them saving each other’s lives and going above and beyond for each other. Show them sharing a bed and not having sex in it!

Representation in fiction matters because it shows us what’s possible. If all we see on the page are two people constantly falling into romantic love at the slightest sign of care, then how can we care for the numerous platonic relationships we will have in this life in any worthwhile manner? The truth is platonic love is deep and beautiful and already present in reality. Let’s nurture that reality within the pages of our fiction. Let’s show love for each other—platonically.